god, how much i love you...
a day does not go by, without me thinking of your hands
of your smile
of eyes...
you were there, when no one else was...
you were the one who told me everything was going to be ok...you promised

you lied...

i don't know if you were lying then, or if life just got in the way
but either way, im hurting

you always tell, not as much anymore, that you would never mean to hurt me
and i believed you
we have been through so much together, and i made myself so vulnerable....

i never thought i would have to take all of this time to put my heart back together
i always thought, that would be your job
and now...

im lost

it's like im confused without you...and of course i can't tell you any of this
because
it would be an over reaction...

but what you dont understand, is HOW much i love...still
my broken heart, is filled with memories of us, of you...

and just in case i ever forget, you were nice enough to write all of your god damn feelings about me in poem form.....gee thanks....

its not even that im mad...i just dont know how im supposed to get through this...

its like it wasnt supposed to happen...
but you found her...rachael
and shes beautiful...and i hear you have been wanting to date her, for a while now...

when i was all full of us, there was a chance that in all of that time that we couldnt be together, you were busy thinking, calling, and holding hands...with her

i know that you loved me...
i know you didnt make that up...
but i loved you too, and still do, with my whole heart
and sadly, i feel like you're using me...

i know you would never admit to doing that, and im not even sure if you're aware...
but the only time, that you ever try to get a hold of me....is when you need something...

and i should NOT be that person anymore...that's what you have HER for.

i will always miss you and ALWAYS love....
i think you are an amazing person, inside and out and you know i will always be here if you need me...
but it would be nice if you would just need me....and not the things that i can get for you...

im not saying any of this to make you feel bad, but you should stop telling people that it's forever if you know somewhere inside that it wont be...
thats what hurts the most...
reading that god damn 8 page fucken letter about how much you love me and that nothing will ever tear us apart and that we have so much life to live together...

it could not have been a lie caleb...nobody would purposely lie about that.
so what happened...was all of it really my fault...

did i really leave for too long that you were able to find someone else to live your life with?
i regret it...every day....from the day you called...probably just to tell me how much you love me...and i broke up with you...im soo sorry.

but when you were unsure and you wanted to go on a break, i stayed!
i was there and i kept trying to get you back
because i knew that this was real.
this was that forever love that i had been looking for...
but when i make a mistake...you moved on...you didnt try to get me back...

WHY NOT!

wasn't i worth it?
i guess rachael is better....
and i know i shouldnt say that, but its how i feel...

i just miss you...thats all
i wish you missed me too, but i guess you're ready to move on

im doing my best, but i cant seem to you out of my head...
and i know my friends would be greatful to not hear any more stories about you...
i just can't help myself
there are some days, when everything reminds me of you...and i just have to tell someone....to keep from crying...

you'll probably never even read this...so you'll probably never be fully aware of how much pain im in...

a broken heart is probably the most painful thing that i have yet to go through...

i will always love you caleb...and when i say it to you, i mean it like that...that i am in love with you...
ill never give up on you...i just hope that you don't fully give up on me either...

theres a little part of me that will always love you...well right now its a pretty big part but im sure over time and as we both move on with our lives that big part will get smaller and smaller till i barely think of you at all. but there will be that one time...that one moment when a friend or my husband or someone completely random asks me if i remember my first true love, and ill look at them, smile and say of course, it was you <3

i promised i wouldnt forget, i promised id never leave, and im trying let you go but its so much harder than it seems. the heart does funny things when its feeling love...your touch, your kiss, your perfect smile, it's like you were sent from above. if things were supposed to be perfect i wouldnt be here right now, feeling sad, and alone and holestly a little let down. I know you never meant to hurt me and i know her love is true, but seeing you and her together really hurts me too. I wish i could read your mind and see if you feel the same. see if you miss my touch my kiss my loving smile from every day i came. but i cant see your heart or how you feel about me, all i know is that you're happier when its you and she. i think about you all the time over and over you're on my mind. its hard not to talk about you, and tell my friends all we've been through. you saved me in your heart even though its ripped but i still feel every gentle touch on my finger tips. this must be love it had to be true and to be so lucky to have actually found you. i will never forget how you made me feel and i know deep down this love was real. it still feels weird not to hear your voice but sadly enough i have no choice, but to let you go forgive me so because you know i never meant to hurt you. if by some miracle i get you back my life slowly start to go back on track. ill give you all you deserve and more and show you i was the one you were looking for. so just know im always here, if you ever need someone to wipe the tears. i know you've got her and im sure she cares but who knows how much she's willing to bear. you know me darling i know you do! you know my strengths and my weaknesess too. theres so much more we need to discover and so much more we have yet to uncover. please come back to me as quick as you can, because darling, my love, you're my only man <3

even if you can't see me, i promise ill always be there...
you call it love when you know the other person feels the same way :)

I Must've Done Something Right

On the 27th of December, it will my my 7 month anniversary with Caleb Nicholas Allen. I must have done something right. We have gone through so much together. We went weeks without seeing each other, we went even more weeks without speaking. We decided that being friends was best and then realized that wasn't the right choice. He got back together with me even when he knew things were going to be different and hard. I must have done something right. He STILL calls me every night even if he's tired or busy. As many things that have changed he still makes sure some things NEVER do. I think about this silly boy at least 18 hours out of my day. He's always on my mind. I say some of the STUPIDEST stuff and no matter what happens to come out of my mouth that day, he'll still call me at the end of it. Things are really hard for us right now and we've gone through a lot together but I am doing everything in my power to make this crazy thing we call a relationship work...and he knows it. Even though i feel like i could do so much more for him and that he could do so much better than me, at the end of the day, my number is still the one he dials. I must have done something right. I don't know EXACTLY what i did that made going through all of this worth it, but whatever it was, I'm glad i did it :)
I ya you babe, and always will, i pinky promise <3

its not because you're cute, its not because your popular. i love you because of who you are. i think about you every second of every day. About your smile, about your laugh. i think about your eyes, when they're opened, or closed. i think about your hair, how its always in your face. I think about your hands...your rough hands playing with my hair, grasping my fingers, touching my face. I love the way look at me...just look and stare into my eyes and then tell me you love me. i love how comfortable you are just laying in my arms. we dont need to talk or be kissing. we just need each other and we're happy. i love the way you make me laugh, the stories you tell, the looks you give me. i love the way you let me sleep in your arms, rub my back and kiss my forehead. i love the way you never want me to leave but make me so i wont get in trouble. i even love you in the morning, before the shower or before your dressed. i love you just the way you are. you dont need to do anything special or always look your best. because no matter what you do or say or look like i will love you just the same, everyday forever. your mine, every part of you, the good the bad, the happy the sad. i will always be here for you, i will always care about what you have to say. you can trust and confide in me,i pinky promise. and you know that ill love you forever, ill like you for always, as long as im living, my baby you'll be <3

seeing something beautiful is not nearly as amazing as knowing somethings beauty